Ratchet Atlantis
by AgraFan
Summary: AU where Jason actually came from the 21st century.
1. Chapter 1

Jason was raised in da hood by three gospel singers. These ladies took him in and kindly raised him as if he was their own. As a child, Jason learned the art of preaching, making corn rows, gospel singing, and sassing anyone who needed Jesus. He was a wholesome child who loved smoothies. Mango and banana, blueberry and banana, and sometimes even coconut and banana when he wanted something sweet.

Jason was happy and had many virtues. What more could a bear ask for?

When he became a certain age, he began watching Maury. Though he loved his moms, he was curious about how it came to be that his birth parents had left him.


	2. Chapter 2

Jason walked the streets of Rome looking for a place to eat. He had only just arrived and the airplane meal left something to be desired. He pulled out his iPhone with the orange cowskin print and googled some restaurants that might be near him. This was his first time in Italy and he wanted to savour the kind of authentic Italian dish that he had only ever seen in the ItalPasta commercials.

He found a place that had a fancyish-sounding name and went in.

And find a savoury dish he did.

The man was slim, well dressed, and his hair was slicked back save for a lock of his fringe that he left swooping over his forehead. He looked like the kind of person who made fat stacks. Never one to pass up a free meal, Jason saw this man making eyes at him from the next table and took the opportunity to use that thirst to his advantage. _Boys try to hit, keep money on my mind_.

Jason walked over to the man and assumed his best British accent.

"Hi. I couldn't help but notice you...I'm Jason. May I sit with you? I've just arrived here from England." The man took in the opulent eyes and sideways orientation of Jason's mouth as he spoke. _Mio dio, lui è bello_.

"Y-yes. Yess off courrse." he said with a heavy Italian accent. "I'm Fabreezio. Fabreezio Fettucino." Jason made a half-suppressed laugh and sat down.

"Thank you." _Yoooo Fettucino? Is dis guy 4 real doe? yooo. S'aight, s'aight. Just do it for the ca$h_. As they ate, Fettucino couldn't help but notice the way Jason ravished his food. It made him feel all spaghetti inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Jason was aboard a submarine with his new husband Fettucino. They were currently travelling aimlessly through the Mediterranean. Jason was looking for his father whom he had never met, but he had a feeling today would be his lucky day. Fettucino was under the impression that they were on their honeymoon. Jason never told him that the only reason for the marriage was so he could use the Fettucino family sub. 


	4. Chapter 4

Jason woke up. He didn't know how long he had been asleep or where he was. The last thing he remembered seeing was the violent crashing of water and Fettucino's face fading into the distance. Where was his husband, anyway? He was actually starting to miss him.

Then, Jason realized he was butt nekkid, and washed up to shore like a dead whale. He had sand stuck all over his body, especially in the nooks and crannies of his junk. He tried brushing some of it off and giggled.

Where were his clothes? Why is BBC such a pervert? At least he still had his nekliss. And oh look, there are some clothes nearby that fit his bronzed Adonis bod perfectly and some bracelets to match. HOW CONVENIENT BBC.


	5. Chapter 5

He walked into the city and realised he was on the set of Merlin... but it wasn't Merlin. He wandered around looking for Uther but instead found a young lanky man. Close enough. Jason followed him and as the man realised he was being followed, he sped up and Jason began to run after him. Jason wasn't sure why he wanted to stalk him. Maybe it was his killer sandals or that light blue top that was just to die for. The man looked scared as he ran away but Jason continued to chase him. Jason didn't remember the last time he ran so fast and for so long. This new city all of a sudden gave him Spidey-sense and powers. He tried to shoot a web but just looked like a fool.

He caught up to the man and toppled over him, hoping he didn't ruin Mr. Lanky Mans' shoes.

"I'm sorry" Jason said with a ha-smile.

"Please don't hurt me!" The man begged.

Ignoring his fear, Jason introduced himself. He wanted to say his name was Celine Dion but decided to keep it real. Mans didn't deserve to be lied to on their first date *heart* although Jason was the only one who saw it that way.

"I'm… Pythagoras." Lanky Mans said. Jason gave a blank stare thinking, _what kinda name yo mama gave u?_ But replied with "Oh, sweetie." Pythagoras gave back the blank stare.

"Sooo, I don't really have a place to crash tonight would it be ok if I maybeeeee…stayed witchu?" Jason asked. Still looking scared, Pythagoras allowed. They walked to Pythagoras' place and that's when Jason realised.

"YOOOOOOOOO" Jason exclaimed.

"Is something wrong?" Agora asked.

"U da triangular mans!"

"They're called triangles and what's 'mans'?" Agora was confused.

"LOL DKM" Jason said. He wanted to tweet and take a selfie with Pythagoras but the clothes he found came with the first Nokia model instead of an iPhone 5s. JK. There was an iPhone 5s. JK. There's no phone.


	6. Chapter 6

They walked into Pythagoras' home, a small wooden house with a big balding man.

"And you are?" Hercules questioned.

"Oh yes, this is…" Pythagoras began but forgot his name.

"Jason!" He missed another chance to be Celine Dion but he rather be his tru self.


	7. Chapter 7

"Pythagoras, it's been MONTHS! When are you gonna get that thing outta here?" Hercules asked rudely.

"That _thing_ needs a place to stay and I'm willing to let him stay here for as long as he wants… And he's not a thing!" Agora argued.

They had no idea that Jason was creepin' round the corner, but he was. Jason was planning on staying with them for a looooooooooong time ;) ...But if he finds his sub den he outta herrr.


	8. Chapter 8

Jason realized he actually a modern bom and craved his iPad mini that had the complete Series 1 of Atlantis. He started scratching his face in agony cuz he missed it so much. Pythagoras walked in the room.

"Jason why are you scratching your face?" Agora asked.

"Yo mans dun even know what a sub is you really tink you gon' unstan?" Jason said with many sassy head movements. Agora wasn't phased by his attitude.


	9. Chapter 9

Pythagoras was gaining some strange beliefs about beans and was the Queen Bee of his new clique.

It's complicated here da link: wiki/Pythagoreanism (Look under Vegetarianism and then Ctrl+F: bean)

* * *

Jason decided to make dinner one night. All they had were beans. He cooked them over a fire and served them.

"Umm Jason, what's this?" Agora looked disgusted.

"Beans…" Jason answered, with an upward inflection.

"I'm not eating this." Agora said.

"C'mon, they're just a bunch a beans!" Hercules said while eating and stole Ag's bowl.


	10. Chapter 10

Jason was starving. He hadn't eaten anything since Agora declined his beans. He didnt want to show it before but he was pretty upset that Pythagoras didn't want any. Jason used Fettuccino's bean and parmesan recipe that Chef Gordon Ramsay himself retweeted when he saw Jason's tweet: "Wow wow wow these beans r da bomb. Holy". Jason didn't even need to mention CGR to get a retweet. Jaosn just figured that CGR was looking up "beans" on Twitter and found his twitpic.

Jason missed his Twitter. He had the Twitter name Jay-sunDerulo and thought he was extremely cool for it. He didn't even listen to Jason Derulo (Beluga Heights). He loved 1D. His favourite was Harry because he loved his styles. Jason all of a sudden had 1D songs stuck in his head so he decided to cheer himself up by dancing.

Hercules walked into the house, too turnt as always. When he came in, he saw Jason leaned up against the wooden dining table, twerking.

"Is that how you maintain your figure?" Hercules was genuinely impressed.

"What? No, it's a dance move. Called twerking. Want me to show you?"

"I…-"

Jason grabbed Herc by the arm and they twerked all afternoon.


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed. Make friends with the voices inside of my head…" Jason sang as he put his bracelets on in the morning. He missed his home stereo with surround sound and deep bass, bass, bass. He liked to blast all his Rihanna albums when he got dressed for the day because it gave him inspiration for a fierce OOTD. And then he had a thought. Rihanna wasn't even born yet. He could be Rihanna. He already had the bracelets for it. He smiled creepily to himself.


	12. Chapter 12

Pythagoras ran into their home and slammed the door behind him, panting. He had just run away from cheesed mans he accidently knocked ova.

"Woah, what's wrong with you?" Hercules questioned.

"There are some… angry men out there…" He replied, gasping for breath like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. "I may have… bumped into them…and knocked over… their fruit stand…" Agora finished.

"Well, maybe it's the way you walked. Straight into their heart and stole it." Jason said for some reason.

"I did not steal anything! Although I should have, I'm starving!" Declared Ag.

"Well maybe I can go find us something." Jason left and went out into the streets.

Because he didn't have any skrill$, he knew he had to take what he could. "Focused, I'm focused. Got bread like that ain't never seen nothing like that, na-ah-ah." He took the loaf and went back home.

"There he is! Did you get anythin to eat?" asked Hercules.

"I'm confident and you can tell by the way I walk in the room." Jason said as he threw up... a G note. They were surprised that he got away with it because Jason said it was his first time stealing bread but they think he might've lied. "Feels so good, damn. And I don't know why. I'm addicted." Jason confessed.

"Then get us some more food!" Hercules demanded.

"Don't do it to me." Jason said, knowing that it's wrong to steal.

Jason ran outside. "Making my way downtown, faces past, and I'm home-bound, Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo" he sang with the same head movements as in White Chicks.


	13. Chapter 13

Jason watched Pythagoras sleep. He was having deep nightly thoughts about Ag's future and how his currently unknown theorem will be used everywhere. He thought he might help speed up da process. He remembered the Pythagorean Theorem as a²+b²=c² but he wanted to make sure it was right. He patted his butt to look for his iPhone 5s with the pink leopard skin case but then realised he didn't have it. Because he couldn't google the formula, he decided to stick with what he remembered. He leaned over Pythagoras and got close to his ear.

"A squared, plus b squared, equals c squared." He whispered. He felt like a genius. He did this every single night for the next several weeks.


	14. Chapter 14

Even though they broke as hell, Hercules managed to get some wine one evening. The three men were going to celebrate for no reason, but it felt so tight, it was right. Jason was really excited they were finally gonna turn up. In his head, he formed a playlist of 90s throwbacks to play, but then realized that wasn't going to be possible.

He put on his same clothes and bracelets and now it was time for his makeup. He got really excited to browse the Youtube app for winged eyeliner tutorials. He patted his butt to look for his iPhone 5s with the mint green bunny ear case. Obviously it wasn't there. Jason cried.


	15. Chapter 15

Jason giggled as he pushed the table against the door. _Agora won't be able to get in teeheeeeeee,_ he thought to himself.

Pythagoras came home. He was really looking forward to relaxing at home with his triangles. But the door wouldn't move. _Teehee_, he heard coming from the other side.

"Jason? Is that you? Open the door!"

"Teehee!"

"Jason! This isn't funny, I'm exhausted! Let me in!"

"You can't hate from outside of the club…"

"What?"

"...you can't even get in! LOLOL"

"Jaso-"

"LEGGO"


	16. Chapter 16

Hercules stumbled into the house in the middle of the day, reeking of wine.

"Hercules, are you drunk again?" asked Pythagoras, very annoyed.

"I may have had a few drinks," slurred Hercules.

"Manz got TOO TURNT!" said Jason. "He been drankin, he been drankin! Why can't I keep my fingers off you baby I want you, na na…" Jason started caressing Pythagoras' curly mop of hair.

"Oh Jason, how do you come up with all these tunes?" Hercules said. He started making his way towards his room. "We need to get you performing in the town square with that lovely voi-"

Hercules suddenly tripped over his own feet and fell face first onto the floor.

"Ha! Caught bae slippin! Where's my phone?" said Jason, patting his tunic looking for his phone. He found it lying on the kitchen table and started recording Hercules' struggle.

"Hey Hercules… Say hello!" Jason zoomed in on his face. The door suddenly burst open. It was the barkeeper.

"HERCULES! YOU OWE ME 10 GOLD COINS FOR THE TABLES YOU BROKE!" the barkeeper shouted, kicking Hercules' ribs as he struggled to get up.

"Oh shiiiiit! Worldstar! WorldstarHipHop!" Jason whooped. "Got too turnt haha! Don't even care about the table breaking, we only wanna have a laugh, u-u-up all night!"

The barkeeper started to wrestle Hercules as Jason laughed and Pythagoras ignored everyone, working on a math problem. Jason turned to Pythagoras and said, "What should I call my video? Atlantis Ratchets Get in a Fight?"

Pythagoras looked at Jason in confusion. "What's a video? Why are you holding my paper weight?"

Jason looked down at his phone - he wasn't taking a video at all. "Wtf? Oh yeah, I forgot I lost my phone on the sub… I'm so cheesed, this video would have been so jokes! I can't beliebe I lost my phone though, I just upgraded to the 5S… Ugh and Apple Care doesn't even cover water damage," Jason sobbed.


	17. Chapter 17

The fight was settled because the barkeeper had a lil crush on Hercules, tbh. So he forgave him for wrecking the tables. Hercules, Jason, and Pythagoras decided to go to the bar that night to help him repair the tables and ended up getting a little turned up afterwards.

"Hey Jason, I'll give you the rest of this bottle of wine if you sing us one of your wacky songs," Pythagoras said. "Sing the one from yesterday about 'got the right temperature to keep you out of the storm' or something!"

"No, I can't sing here! I'm so shy hehe," Jason giggled, blushing. "I can't even do karaoke!"

Pythagoras and Hercules looked at each other, confused about what karaoke even was, but continued anyway.

"Oh come on Jason, look around you! The people here won't judge you, they're just a bunch a' teens," Hercules said. "And even if you won't do it to show off your voice, do it for the wine!"

Jason started laughing like crazy and banging out a beat on the table. "Do it for the wine! I ain't gonna do it! Do it for wine! I ain't gonna do it! Do it for the wine!" Jason started to dance like crazy. He was doing all the cool moves, he hit that catdaddy, that nae nae, that dougie, he even bust out a little crip walk.


	18. Chapter 18

Hercules was asleep and dreaming. In his dream, he was Viktor Krum, looking for Medusa in the Triwizard Tournament maze. He was going to be the champion. The others didn't stand a chance. He wasn't going to let this Harry Pooper win. He was going to prove to Medusa that he was worthier than The Chosen One. He was getting closer; he could smell it with every fibre of his being. As he turned a corner, he was welcomed by Medusa's voice, though she was yet to be visible.

"Hercules! Hercules!"

"Medusa! I'm coming!" He sped up in the direction of her voice, thrilled that even though she couldn't see him yet, he was the one she was calling for. He was the one she wanted. He ran, grinning broadly.

"Hercules!"

Hercules woke up, still smiling. He saw the faint outline of someone in front of him.

"...Medusa?"

It was Pythagoras.

"Hercules! Jason! Wake up! I've solved it! The square of the hypotenuse in a right triangle is always the sum of the squares of the other two sides! Of course! I'm a genius!"

"Yoooo Agora, relack!" slurred Jason, walking into Hercules' room in a slumber. "What's this about squares? Do we have lemon squares? I'm starving."

"Lemon...what? No, Jason, I've figured out the equation to solve any right triangle. This is BIG NEWS!"

"Oh yerrr...that." Jason had made history. He felt like Jesus. Or Jasus? He wrapped his arms around Pythagoras to congratulate him. As he leaned forward, he made sure to catch a whiff of Pythagoras' hair. He creepily exhaled.


	19. Chapter 19

"...and then Zac Efron and Dave Franco went 'Delta Psiiiiiiiiii!'"

Pythagoras, Hercules, and Jason all erupted into raucous laughter. "That's ridiculous! What does 'delta psi' even mean!" Hercules exclaimed.

"Wait… wut lol," Jason said, confused. "They're Greek letters…?"

Pythagoras and Hercules stared at Jason blankly.

"Hold up… Y'all don't know what Greek letters are? Do y'all even speak Greek?" Jason asked.

"No, we don't. I thought you knew that," Pythagoras said apologetically. "You've never heard us speak Greek. No one here knows Greek."

"yooooooooooo for real? LMAO!" Jason laughed.


	20. Chapter 20

Jason was sitting around the house playing with his toenails, which were getting far too long and yellow. Back home he was used to getting pedicures twice a month but he didn't even have a nail file here. Pythagoras gave Jason a knife which he was supposed to use to cut his toenails but he was too scared to use it and the blade looked too rickety anyway.

Pythagoras walked into the room and cautiously approached Jason. Jason looked up when he heard Agora clear his throat.

"Yo wassup P!"

"Um… Not much, uh, J," Pythagoras replied slowly. "Listen, I was just counting up our rent money and you see, we're a couple months behind and the landlord is getting angry."

"I knew he was the type to get cheesed! Damn, I wish Drake was our landlord," Jason replied, putting his foot down on a stool that had a pile of Pythagoras' clean, neatly folded shirts, scratching one in the process with his toenails.

"Yeah, I know," said Pythagoras, cringing at the sight of Jason's toenails in his pile of clothes but chose to ignore. "But the thing is, maybe from now on you could help us with rent? Since you've been living here for a while?"

"Hehe yeah I wish I could, but I'd rather keep living here for free. That cool witchu? No hobo :)"

Jason scratched all the way through Pythagoras' shirt and poked his toenail through the fabric.


End file.
